Everything You Need to Know About Marriage

You’ve probably been hearing about marriage all your life. There’s a decent chance your parents were or are married, and if not, well, marriage is hard to avoid in culture at large. How many people’s bedtime stories ended with a prince marrying a princess and living happily ever after?

When you read books, there are married couples, when you watch movies, there are married couples, when you go see a play, start a new show, or listen to a classic song, marriage often manages to get mentioned — and if it doesn’t, it’s often simply because it’s assumed that certain characters are married. In short, marriage is kind of the default.

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But what is it, really? Where did our modern understanding of marriage come from? Why do people get married? In order to understand marriage a bit better, AskMen spoke to a handful of experts about these questions and more. Here’s what they had to say:

What Is Marriage?

“Marriage is a legal and social union between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between the spouses, between the spouses and their children, and between the spouses and their in-laws,” says Pippa Murphy, the sex & relationship expert at condoms.uk. “The definition of marriage varies according to different cultures, but it is principally an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture in which it is found.”

One of the ways that acknowledgment is made is in law.

“Marriage has a legal definition, according to the laws of each state,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together. “Each couple has to apply for a license, and then have it filed with the state, by the legal officiant of the marriage.”

In a legal capacity, Tessina notes, “The marriage conveys benefits, like the right to inherit, or make medical decisions for an incapacitated partner. There’s also common-law marriage; also defined by state laws, usually stating that after a couple has lived together for a specified number of years, their marriage is legal, and accrues the same benefits as legal marriage.”

“Personal definitions of marriage differ,” she says, “but I would describe it as a mutual commitment between partners to share life together, and work together to build the life they want.”

“In many cultures, marriage is recommended or considered to be compulsory before pursuing any sexual activity,” Murphy adds. “When defined broadly, marriage is considered a cultural universal.”

One of the reasons it’s so universal may be that it addresses a deep-seated desire that most people have for closeness.

“Marriage is a social construct developed to accommodate our innate desire for intimate, life-lasting connections while simultaneously safeguarding our rights, defining our roles and responsibilities, and organizing the sharing and transition of the resources we have accumulated,” says Dr. Talal Alsaleem, a licensed marriage counselor specializing in infidelity and author of the book Infidelity: The Best Worst Thing That Could Happen to Your Marriage. “It’s the merger of two separate entities with common goals and a shared vision of the future. It’s a committed partnership that utilizes the individual assets both partners bring to the table to achieve synergy.”

A Brief History of Marriage

It would be impossible to properly sum of the history of marriage across the entire planet, but it’s interesting to consider contemporary understandings of marriage in the context of the institution’s history, so here are some noteworthy moments and trends:

Marriage in Ancient Mesopotamia

Alsaleem notes that marital infidelity has “been in existence since the inception of the concept of committed relationships” — as can be seen from at least the 18th century BCE.

“The earliest account of recorded human history comes to us from ancient Mesopotamia through the code of Hammurabi, a collection of 282 rules established to govern social interactions and punish social taboos,” he says. “Infidelity was one of the punishable crimes mentioned in the code of Hammurabi, due to the devastating impact it can have on couples, their family, and the societies in which they live.”

Marriage in the Roman Empire

While many other civilizations had cultures of polygamy, “The Romans introduced the idea of marriage as a legal union between two people,” says Murphy. “It was also during this time that the idea of divorce was introduced — although it was much more difficult for women to get one.”

Marriage in the 5th Century CE

“Christianity changed the rules around marriage by allowing priests to perform unions between couples, instead of having them go through their local magistrate or mayor,” Murphy says. “This made marriage more accessible for many people who couldn't afford to travel far away from home, and also gave them more options when it came time to find a partner.”

Marriage in the 11th Century CE

“In 1095 AD, Pope Gregory VII issued an edict banning divorce in Western Europe,” says Murphy. “This was part of an effort to make Christians renounce their sins and return to church doctrine. It wasn't until 1965 that this ban was lifted by Pope Paul VI after Catholics had become disinterested in their faith because they were unable to get divorced in civil courts or remarry within their religion.”

Marriage in the 17th Century CE

In the 17th century, Murphy explains, “Catholics could divorce, but only if adultery was involved. However, Pope Innocent X issued that women would be punished more harshly than men for cheating on their partners because it was considered a violation of their husband's property rights over them.”

Marriage in the 20th Century CE

“The first half of the 20th century saw some important developments in marriage,” says Murphy. “In 1948, laws against interracial marriages were struck down by the Supreme Court.”

“In more modern history, divorce became more common and less stigmatized,” says Tessina. “In the post-war period, divorce required a guilty party, who would be accused of adultery or abandonment, which was a requirement for divorce. In 1969, California became the first state to adopt no-fault divorce law, which allowed the parties to claim ‘incompatibility’ as grounds for divorce. The laws still vary widely by state. That began a nationwide rush to divorce, and to date, the divorce rate remains around 50%.”

Marriage in the 21st Century CE

“In recent years, there have been more changes as well as more acceptance of same-sex marriages and civil unions between same-sex couples,” says Murphy. “In 2008, California became the first state to legalize same-sex marriages; today 19 other states have followed suit with similar laws at the state level.”

“In 2013, the United States Supreme Court ruled that Section 3 of DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act), which defined marriage as between a man and a woman for federal purposes, was unconstitutional because it violated equal protection under the Fifth Amendment's Due Process Clause; this led to a series of legal challenges that eventually resulted in all 50 states allowing same-sex couples to marry,” Murphy adds. “In June 2015, the Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have a constitutional right to marry, which effectively legalised same-sex marriage in all 50 states.”

Why Do People Get Married?

Ultimately, as with any human behavior, people get married for a variety of reasons. That might be a primarily romantic or emotional reason related to the partner they’re marrying, Tessina notes:

“Most people get married to share life with a partner, and build their dreams into reality together. If a couple discusses these dreams beforehand, and can reach agreement in several areas like finances, lifestyle, children and parenting, and how to deal with extended family and friends, the marriage has a much better chance of success.”

Or, it might also involve a cultural component that ties together their family and their ancestors:

“I believe people get married because they are following in the footsteps of past generations,” says Jamie Ratner, CEO and founder of CertifiKID, a recognized best deal website for parents and co-author of ParentPreneurs, written with her husband, Brian Ratner. “For those of us who have observed a successful marriage, it is something we aspire to have as well. Someone who we can trust, grow together in love, and know will be there for us in the good, the bad and the ugly. I think the marriage certificate just helps formalize that commitment.”

To Ratner’s point about the certificate, Murphy notes that there are concrete benefits to getting married:

“Marriage gives you legal rights and responsibilities as well as tax benefits if you're eligible for them,” she says. “The government considers you legally married and gives you the right to take time off from work if one spouse dies or becomes disabled and needs care, among other things. If you have children together, then you have certain parental rights over them, such as making medical decisions for them or having visitation rights with them if your spouse dies or moves away.”

Ultimately, though, the crux of the issue is often an emotional decision rather than a logistical one, she says.

“From an emotional perspective, many people get married as it’s considered the ultimate commitment between two people who love each other and want to share their lives forever.”

And what about those who don’t get married?

Murphy says, “People who choose not to marry may be doing so because they don't feel ready for such an important step in their relationship or because they don't believe in marriage itself.”

Ultimately, getting married or not is a personal choice that needs to be made by the two members of the couple, regardless of broader societal expectations or the desires of their friends and families.

Marriage Dos and Don’ts

Do Talk About Kids Before You Get Married

Because of its association with both sex and the family unit, it’s no surprise that the decision to have children (or not) is hugely entwined with the institution of marriage in many people’s minds. However, not everyone feels ready to be a parent when they get married — or will ever want to.

That’s why Murphy suggests that it’s very important to discuss this issue before getting married.

“Having children can strengthen your marriage, but also create stress and conflict,” she says. “You may have different ideas about how many kids you want or when you want them.”

Don’t Get Married for the Wrong Reasons

Because so many of us grow up assuming marriage is the end goal and a necessary life step, some people will feel compelled to seek out marriage as an end in and of itself rather than as a stage in a relationship that makes sense for all parties involved.

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“Don’t fall in love with the idea of being married instead of your partner,” says Murphy. “If you only want to get married to have a big beautiful wedding, and not because you see yourself being with your partner for the rest of your lives — then you’re marrying for the wrong reasons.”

Do Communicate

“Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about sex, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything,” says Tessina. “No topic should be off limits. Learn to listen and communicate instead of fighting. Fighting is childish, and you want a grown-up relationship.”

Don’t Assume a Person Will Change After Marriage

Sometimes people get married to someone whose flaws they believe they will be able to fix. They may even see their spouse as a “project” to work on.

However, “The older you get, the more likely this is never ever going to happen,” Ratner warns. “If you are not accepting of who they are before the marriage, then don’t marry this person.”

Do Be a Team

“Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up,” Tessina says. “Create a partnership.”

When you’re in disagreement, she says, “Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong, instead focus on what will solve the problem. Strive to work together so both of you can have what you want.”

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“When you build a successful working partnership, each of you will feel supported and respected by the other,” Tessina adds. “When each of you feels that the other has your best interests at heart, problems are solved not ‘my way’ or ‘your way’ but so that both are happy with the solution. The mutuality of this type of partnership creates an environment of love where deep trust grows. When trust, respect, responsibility and love feel mutual, that's when we feel secure in being loved.”

Don’t Put Your Partner on a Pedestal

“A lot of people do this, especially after they get married,” says Murphy. “They start to look at their spouse as superior and expect them to have all the answers.”

This may feel like a compliment, but it can also be exhausting to feel like your spouse has unrealistic expectations of you. Worst of all, it creates a deeply unequal dynamic between the two of you that will undermine genuine teamwork and trust.

Do Express Your Expectations of Each Other

You may have talked about your expectations when you were just dating, but people can have different expectations of what will happen in a marriage. It’s a good idea to address these, says Alsaleem.

“You and your partner need to clarify your expectations of one another,” he says. “Establish clear boundaries and identify the expected parameters of sexual and emotional exclusivity, to avoid the devastating impact of infidelity.”

Don’t Be Cruel When Your Expectations Aren’t Met

“You have to take care of yourself, and find a way to solve problems and motivate your partner to work with you,” says Tessina. “Partnership is the name of the game, not ‘I want you to take care of me, and I'll throw a temper tantrum if you don't.’ You'll get a lot more of what you want if you ask directly and simply, and motivate with affection, humor and fun.”

Do Talk to Other People About Your Marriage

“Speak to other married couples that you trust,” Murphy advises.

It’s easy to start to feel cordoned off from other people if you spend all your time talking to just one other person. You might start to take certain behaviors (positive or negative) for granted; getting insight from friends and family about their relationships can help keep you both grounded.

And if you’re curious about marriage generally, Alsaleem recommends checking out The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

Don’t Overextend Yourself

“Lots of people try to fill in all the gaps by doing whatever their partner isn't doing — all alone,” says Tessina. “If your partner can't keep a job, getting successful on your own could be a good thing for you, but it won't save the relationship. If your partner won't help around the house, or with the kids, doing it all yourself (plus your job) won't save the relationship either. If your partner won't be responsible about money or discipline, doing it all yourself will work for a while, but you'll wind up being seen as the bad guy.”

“Very early in the relationship, give your partner the room to do their share,” she says. “But if nothing is forthcoming, ask directly (don't just whine or hint) for what you want. If your partner doesn't step up, and won't discuss what would help, then you're probably the only one in the relationship, and it's not going to work.”

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Do Continue to Be Romantic

Unlike the fairy tales, your wedding isn’t the end of the story — it’s the beginning. That means in addition to the communication and teamwork you need to do, you also need to work a little to ensure that the romance continues to flow, too.

“Date your spouse and make time for romance in your relationship once you’re married,” Murphy advises.

Don’t Put Your Dreams on Hold for Your Spouse

If you put off pursuing your dreams — whether that’s a career path or simply globe-trotting, “you will never be completely happy and might end up feeling resentful,” says Ratner.

“I always had the itch to start a business and I was planning to just wait till it was a better time for our family, but I am so glad I took the leap,” she says. “I believe it makes me a better wife and mother.”

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